“Today I forgot to wear my hat to school. I thought I had it this morning before I walked out the door, headed for the bus. I thought I had it. That hat was my source of courage. Every time I had it on, I would think to myself “I must look pretty now. I must not be so undesirable anymore”. I knew, I knew that I had been deceiving myself – my low self-esteem was doing all the thinking for me on those days.
For a while I had some confidence in my new look, in my beautifully dyed hair. It was cut short again, and I thought I could boldly rock the new hair. I lied. I felt naked, seen by so many people, spotted as the different one. I had never had my hair this low before. I had never felt so humiliated before. I had been used to having full length hair – hair that could easily hide the chubbiness of my cheeks, or my large forehead.
A few years back, I hated myself. I thought nothing good about myself because, apparently, everyone was growing much taller than my once considered “tall” self. It got worse every year. My mates would call me out for my height and would embarrass me in front of my peers. Yes, I had no love for myself. At some point I refused to look into the mirror, and would even refuse to spot my reflection in a nearby pool of water. Whatever it was that had the ability to reflect my physical features, I would avoid completely. I hated myself even more for being such a coward. I couldn’t live and love myself at the same time. And so my bitterness began, and my image was shattered in my heart.
Four years later and I still cannot bring myself to look at my reflection in the mirror; I cannot stand in front of the mirror and agree within me that I am somewhat beautiful. It becomes difficult for me to walk confidently wherever I go. I feel so short within myself that it has grown past the feeling of being short. Now all I want to do is look slim, with a “perfectly” defined body, flatter cheeks, and longer hair. Maybe I could gain a few inches of height if God permits.
I mean, my genes limit me from becoming who I physically envision myself to be, but I am slowly accepting that my height will only stop me from achieving greater heights only if I allow it to.
It’s a struggle everyday – loving myself. Loving me is the hardest thing I have ever done. Constantly loving who I am and what I look like has been such a struggle. It’s even harder not to live on people’s opinions about how I look. Yes, compliments really do boost up my moral, but I am quick to push those comments aside and focus on my past stories.
I need to move on. I need to learn to love myself, to embrace the beautiful qualities that I have within me. I need peace. I need growth. I need stability. Above all, I must love myself, so that I could in turn spread my love to all the earth (and not get tired).
So yes, today has truly been a test on my confidence in myself. So far, I have not broken down into endless tears. That’s a start right?”
-Is this your story too?
